Friday, March 31, 2023

40 questions

stolen from alwaysmonday 


1. when did you get up today?
at 8.

2. diamonds or pearls?
neither. I prefer the teeth of my victims. 

3. last movie you saw at the cinema?
it was supposed to be parasite. I had been wanting to see it but then lockdown happened. before that.....I think it was little women. I didn't like it. 

4. favorite series?
sick sad world.

5. what did you eat for breakfast?
bold of you to assume I ate breakfast.

6. what is your middle name?
not telling. 

7. your favorite food?
coffee. I know, I know. but it's true. 


8. what food do you not like?
arugula and fish. 


9. favorite chips?
the ones on my shoulder. 


10. what is your favorite CD at the moment?
wolfgang amadeus phoenix


11. what car do you drive?

I don't. 

12. favorite sandwich?

the bowery from orchard grocer.

13. what personality traits do you just not get along with?
pretentiousness (ironic because I'm the queen of it) and bigotry

14. what are your favorite clothes?
big ass flannels and sweaters


15. if you could go anywhere on vacation where would you go?
Montreal


16. favorite clothing brand?
Don't really have one tbh. I've been into betsey johnson lately. I also like comme des garcons. 


17. where do you want to retire?
six feet under. 

18. favorite time of day?
whenever I fall asleep. 

19. where were you born?
where you weren't. 


20. what is your favorite sport to watch?
yes you, i used to watch formula 1 before. is it a sport

21. coca cola or pepsi?
water.

22. football or ice hockey?
foot ice. or ball hockey. 

23. are you a morning person or a night owl?
both, honestly. I like being up at odd hours. but I've been a morning person for most of my life. 

24. pedicure or manicure?
lobotomy. 

25. any exciting news to tell us?
my hard drive corrupted yesterday and it's going to cost $600 to fix. 

26. what did you want to be when you were little?
author. 

27. best childhood memory?
running around with the kids on my block at twilight and catching fireflies. also getting the lead in my 5th grade musical. 

28. been to Africa?
no. 


​​29. ever rolled someone in toilet paper?
I haven't, but maybe I'll do it to myself. 

30. been involved in a car accident?
not yet. 

31. favorite day of the week?
they all suck. 

32. favorite restaurant?
screamers pizza. 

33. favorite flowers?
don't really have a favorite. I file flowers into the the "so pretty they're boring" category. I do have a soft spot for hydrangeas and peonies though. Geraniums were my favorite as a kid. I'm rambling now. 

34. favorite fast food restaurant?
probably the falafel place in my town, or pret a manger. they both have good lentil soup. 

35. do you own a bicycle?
nope. 


36. bedtime?
whenever the void calls. 


37. last person you shared a dinner with?
my parents. 


38. what are you listening to right now?
the roar of my tinnitus. 


39. favorite color?
this type of green. 


40. how many tattoos do you have?
technically none, but I have a smiley face I've drawn on my hand every day since 4th grade. It's an acoustic tattoo, if you will. 

Sunday, March 26, 2023

27 questions

 another questionnaire type of post from alwaysmonday. they're fun for me, but probably boring for anyone else to read. 

What is your least favorite food?

arugula. fuck. arugula. 

what do you regret in life (if anything)?

......I don't even know where to begin. my regrets swallow me whole. one day I will write them all out on this blog. I hope writing them will purge them from my system, even though I think the opposite will happen in actually

What's the worst rumor you've heard about yourself?

In third grade a "friend" started a rumor that I created a webkinz virus that killed people's webkinz with knives and stole all of their fake webkinz money. 



what do you wear in the fall and winter?

sweatpants and sweaters, unfortunately. 

What is your most expensive item of clothing?

A bag I have from undercover. Got it from grailed for about $200. I'm quite content with my purchase. 

Do you have any unexpected talents?

Worrying about the worst case scenario and then having it happen to me

what did you do during the weekend?

worked and felt sorry for myself

what are your five most important to-dos this week? 

ugh. finish copy for april, work on content for next week, write that ecommerce article, workout consistently, and kill myself 



best beauty trick?

put eyeliner on your lower lash line before going to sleep

what style of clothing do you think is the hottest on men?

there is nothing a man could wear that would ever tempt me to look in his direction

and ugliest?

a fedora.

who do you miss? 

my current friends, my other "friend" whom I haven't spoken too since 12th grade, that kid in my classes during my freshman year of college who was cool, that other kid in my DJ class during my sophomore year who would joke around with me. And myself. I miss who I was and the potential I had. 

if you were granted one wish what would you wish for?

Cure for hyperacusis and tinnitus. 

What are you wearing right now?

sweatpants and a sweater. oops. 

last song you listened to?

it's been over a year and a half. I can't even remember. I think it was turn your love around by richard grey (jack's on remix) or left behind by wave racer. 




who three people inspire you the most? 

michael angelakos, porter robinson, lady gaga, and bonus: tavi gevinson. 

best movie ever?

they all suck. 

best book ever? 

a catcher in the rye

what newspapers do you read? 

none.

What do you wish you were better at?

singing, dancing, drawing, and being more productive

are you religious? 

I suppose I am not

what is your biggest fear? 

death. specifically dying before there's a treatment for hyperacusis. 

What's the meanest thing anyone has said to you?

"you don't have it that bad. you know who has it bad? single mothers on welfare."

Which people mean the most in your life?

my parents. ironic because my mom said that mean thing to me. and also michael angelakos. 

Thursday, March 16, 2023

10 lists

 Saw this post while stalking alwaysmonday and thought it would be interesting to give it a go. So: 

1) WHAT WERE YOU DOING TEN YEARS AGO?

Ten years ago I was in 8th grade. I think I was listening to fun., passion pit, and foxes on the way to school. I probably did homework and went to ballet afterwards, then went home to watch my favorite beauty gurus on youtube and look up so cool bands. Maybe I took some "artsy" instagram photos too. I miss 8th grade. It's pathetic to say, because I don't want to admit that I peaked in middle school. Bur I did. And it wasn't even a very good peak, you know?

2) WHAT WERE YOU DOING A YEAR AGO?
A year ago I went outside, briefly. I probably had a therapy session. I saw the crocuses were blooming and I snapped a photo because that's been the first sign of spring for my entire life. I probably spent the rest of the day working and then rotted in my bed afterwards.



3) FIVE SNACKS YOU LIKE
frozen grapes, roasted edamame, frozen blueberries, protein bars (gross, I know), almond butter by the spoonful because I am too depressed to give a fuck right now. 



4) FIVE SONGS YOU CAN RECITE THE LYRICS TO:
I left my wallet in el segundo by a tribe called quest, dog problems by the format, little secrets by passion pit, asa's bop by open mike eagle, backseat freestyle by kendrick lamar






5) FIVE THINGS YOU WOULD DO IF YOU WERE A MILLIONAIRE:
donate to hyperacusis research, build an entirely soundproof house, save for retirement, do something nice for my parents, buy something designer on ebay or grailed.

6) FIVE BAD HABITS
being too sleepy to workout, scrolling aimlessly on tiktok, being indecisive instead of making decisions, only being able to work while eating a snack, not engaging my core enough while exercising.

7) FIVE THINGS YOU LIKE TO DO:
sing, dance, listen to music, make music, look at old blogs and flickrs

8) FIVE THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER WEAR OR BUY:
zebra or cow print, hats, heeled boots, ankle socks, coats made with down or leather

9) FIVE FAVORITE TOYS:
as a kid I loved my American Girl Dolls and littlest pet shop trinkets. I also discovered blythe dolls the other day and am obsessed. now, I think my phone is my favorite toy, or at least one I am very dependent on, followed by my canon ae-1. 

10) FIVE PEOPLE I WANT TO SEE DO THIS SURVEY:

ethel cain, alexa chung, ke huy quan, princess diana (ice spice), daria morgendorffer, jane lane, and all of my friends in the groupchat. that's technically 12 people but whatever. 



Tuesday, March 7, 2023

ABC questions

 saw this questionnaire on alwaysmonday and thought it looked fun: 


A - Age: 24
B - Bed size: full

C - Chore you hate: washing dishes

D - Dog's name: nonexistant

E - Essential start your day item: scrolling on tiktok
F - Favorite colors: green and black
G - Gold or Silver: silver

H - Height: too short

I - Instruments you play: Logic Pro X

J - Job title: sad girl 

K - Kids: hell no

L - Living Arrangements: with my parents

M - Mother's name: not telling
N - Nicknames: Mack
O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: never
P - Pet Peeve: when people send text messages as I'm typing

Q - Quote from a movie: "eat my shorts"
R - Right or left handed: right
S - Siblings: I have a brother named john

T - Time you wake up: usually around 8 am

U - Underwear: none of your business

V - Vegetable you dislike: eggplant
W - Workout style: weightlifting and ballet
X - X-rays you've had: chest, teeth, ankle, and back

Y - Yesterday's best moment: falling asleep

Z - Zoo favorite: giraffes. though zoos make me quite sad. 



random thing I drew the other day
random thing I drew the other day

Monday, March 6, 2023

notes from the power broker, edition 2

 i read some more of the power broker today and I'm going to tell you about it <3


gotta keep it quick though because I'm almost out of battery. 


the end of chapter 11 focused on the legal and political fight for the Taylor Estate appropriate - moses had tried to grab this chunk of land on long island but was sued (i guess?) for it because it is Not Legal to just take land like that. 


governor al smith does a lot of speeches to drum up public interest in the long island park projects, and it works. people don't really care that moses took the land illegally; if anything, they liked the idea of the government stealing land from the rich to use as public parks. 

in large part, this was due to the new york times constantly running stories in favor of smith/moses; the owner of the times at that moment, aldoph s. ochs, was a friend of al smith and a huge fan of public parks. caro describes the times at this point as a "supposedly impartial news column" (caro 197). the journalism really hammers home that the park battle was one of robber barons vs the masses, and they gloss over any issues of illegalities or power trips committed by moses. 

despite the good press, and despite the hundreds of letters supporting parks that piled up in the mailboxes of republican senators, the legislature was still unmoved in appropriating funds for moses' park dreams. even after schmoozing with other park commissioners and republican reforms, approximately zero dollars were appropriated to fund the long island park plan. 

since there was no money, smith and moses knew they'd face trouble in the upcoming court session because there's no way they'd be able to defend themselves from taking land, illegally, with absolutely zero funds to even pay the person who owned it. they decided to go for outside help for funding; belle moskowitz suggested August Hecksher, a multimillionaire philanthropist: "the two men turned to mrs. moskowitz, who had been sitting quietly in the corner, her head bent over her knitting. 'august hecksher,' she said." Care describes him as "an elf of a man---so short that when he sat on a chair his shoes dangled several inches above the floor" (caro 202). 

belle moskowitz was kinda a badass to be honest. i hope we hear more about her. 

anyways they get the money they need from hecksher, which is cool, but it doesn't really go over well in court. the first appropriation was illegal anyways, and the money was supposed to come from the legislature, not some random donor. plus, moses completely did not show up to his court dates. and when he did come in later, he straight up lied. 

the other thing that was going on at this time was that moses was trying to secure Jones Beach in long island for use of a public park. three townships---hempstead, oyster bay, and babylon---had to approach his plans in order for them to go through. and like two thirds of each town was profoundly against the idea of giving up their land for use of public beaches. he also had no money to buy them, and no money was going to be approved for at least another year. the only thing the publicity from the times really did was encourage more land developers to buy private stretches of jones beach and work on developing property. moses had to act fast if he wanted his public park dreams to come true. 

of course, we know that they do because jones beach is a thing that exists now. how it happens, though, i am interested in finding out. 

one of the other things I really like about this book is all old, forgotten names that pop up. cool names from this section:

alphonse - the only judge in upstate new york who was in support of parks

iphigene - the daughter of adolph s. ochs. 

lastly, words. every time i read this book, I'm learn new words or am reminded of words that I think sound nice. here are this section's selection :

smote 

dilatory - slow to act

precipice

somber

serene

raptly

terse


Saturday, March 4, 2023

notes from the power broker, edition 1

so in july 2021, my life absolutely fell the fuck apart, and to perk myself up a little bit, I decided to order a copy of The Power Broker by Robert Caro, a book I had been wanting to read some for some time. (yes, the egregious use of commas was intentional.) it is now march 2022, and I have made it a whopping 184 pages into it. that means I've read approximately 1/3 of a page every day since. 


lmaoooooooooo. 


I really want to be the kind of person who reads every day, but between work, perpetual sleepiness, and an unquenchable thirst to lay in my bed and scroll mindlessly on tiktok, I've been doing a pretty shit job of that. 


the other thing is that I really do love this book so far. Caro's prose is beautifully sharp. his jabs at Moses read like sharp blades on fresh ice; smooth and seamless, allowing the cunningness and political manipulations of The Power Broker himself to slowly dawn on you. it's brilliant. 


I hope to keep taking notes on here so I can remember the things that Caro writes and to keep some sort of accountability for myself to read regularly. maybe not daily, because let's be fucking real, but you know, a few times a week. we'll see. 


right now, I'm at the park where Moses has become parks commissioner and snuck in unchecked power in the bill that established the parks committee. he wants to build a park on long island, but there are two issues: rich ass robber barons who have huge ass mansions and salt of the earth farmers who would rather die than give up their land. and Moses is intent on strong arming both parties to give the middle class residents of new york city the park they deserve. 

I mean, I'm all about stealing from the rich, but dude. leave the farmers out of it. 

"The barons dispatched their lawyers to Moses, and Moses did not treat those lawyers with the deference to which they were accustomed....to all the barons lawyers, he spelled it out bluntly: If their clients were willing to donate land for the parkways, its location could be shifted away from their houses....but if they weren't cooperative the commission had the power to appropriate the land right next to their houses---and it was going to do so." (Caro 185)



After this, the lawyers storm over to Trubee Davison's office to ask how the hell does Moses have the power to do this. Davison basically admits that he didn't read the bill that Moses proposed, and now he can just seize anyone's land to make a park as long as the Governor gives his signature of approval. welp. 

so then there's this whole drawn-out legal fight between Moses/the park commission and the robber barons. in terms of legality, the barons have a clear advantage because Moses basically strong armed them into giving them their land, which was very illegal and an abuse of his powers. however, in the court of public opinion, Moses had a significant advantage because he framed the legal battle as a few rich golfers vs. the interest of the public good. 


the other advantage he had? governer al smith. 


al smith came from an irish family who lived in a working class neighborhood in the LES. he genuinely pullled himself up by his bootstraps to work in politics, and he was very proud of his humble background. so when the robber baron lawyers came to his hearing and said they were opposed to the park because "[they] feared the town would be 'overrun with rabble from the city,'" smith replies by saying "'rabble? that's me you're talking about.'" (Caro 187)


so the barons pissed off smith, which effectively got smith to support moses throughout the whole ordeal. (he also told one of the barons to check himself into an insane asylum; he was that pissed off). the ordeal, by the way, would consist of a drawn out legal fight that would last two years. caro writes, "it would fill the front pages of newspapers across the state for two years, delay for almost that long all expenditures for any of the parks of which robert moses had dreamed, and bring to the brink of ruin not only those dreams, but moses' reputation and career....his reputation...would be burnished instead so that he gleaned in the public consciousness with the aura he would bear for the next thirty years: the aura of a fearless, fiercely independent public servant who loved parks above all else and was willing to fight for parks against politicians, bureaucrats, and the hated forces of wealth and influence." (caro 188)


okay, I know that was a long ass paragraph. but i do really like the last sentence. the words just sound good together, and it's interesting that that's what his reputation becomes given how classist he is in reality. i don't know that moses actually cared that much about parks. I just think it was an easy power grab. 


okay so then caro introduces this guy named W. Kingsland Macy, who was a stockholder and antique enthusiast. in all honesty, i had no idea that people in the 1920s were into antiques. like....they are the antiques to us now. anyways tries to seize his property, and macy takes him to court because he realizes that if moses can take land away from the robber barons, he could take it away from anyone (which is so fucking unconstitutional). "The principles, [macy] said, were too important to be surrendered without a fight."


thing is, macy was super naive and not prepared at all to handle a male manipulator like robert moses, who was ready to do any and everything to get public opinion on his side: "once, moses had been the amateur. but he wasn't any longer. and he knew how to take advantage of someone." (caro 190). 


that someone was an unnamed new york times journalist, who published an article in the paper about the fight for long island called "A FEW RICH GOLFERS ACCUSED OF BLOCKING PLANS FOR STATE PARK"


the article does not mention that more than 170,000 residents of Suffolk and Islip township opposed the park, nor does it mention that a judge had found moses' shenanigans to be illegal. I love the way caro describes moses in this moment: "moses's press release, a press release written by a man who had once been the master of 'scrupulous, reliable' research, but who had become a master propagandist---one who did not let facts stand in the way of his aims." (caro 190). 




it's actually kind of sad to see moses go from optimistic reformer to hardened power grabber. i suppose that the quest for power corrupts all. 


so while the public is on moses' side, the government is very much not. the legislature at the time was dominated by republicans who were all under the influence of the barons. they also hated governer al smith, who was a democrat, and would do anything to embarrass him.


so court time comes, and shockingly [/s], the new york state chief legal officer declares moses' actions to be illegal. "to realize a dream of unprecedented scope, robert moses, by use of the law, had harmed himself with unprecedented powers---and then, finding that these powers were still inadequate, he had deliberately gone beyond them, beyond the law." (caro 192) 


caro also writes that "moses stood stripped of all defenses," which is another sentence with imagery I quite like. 


he then goes on to talk about the battle in the court of public opinion; basically, moses' actions had a lot of mass appeal because a. everyone likes parks and being opposed to parks was Wrong b. moses could easily paint the fight as being rich people vs the masses of the city and c. governer al smith was on his side. 


so when the new york state legislature tried to pass a bill that would squash the long island park project by requiring the republican legislature (who hates parks) to approve everything the commission does, smith vetoed it. the legislature was, suffice to say, not very happy; they called moses an "expert and abusive propagandist" and "habitual defamer of the legislature" (caro 193) they got his ass fr. 


okay, one last bit of this section: there's another court date on the horizon. moses really needs to get money signed off to snag the baron properties on L.I. smith said he would try to force the legislature to do it in april. in the meantime, moses' legal team put in as many petty appeals as possible to delay the court date until smith worked his governor magic. but april turned to may, and smith still hadn't done shit, and moses was getting antsy. but then smith did something kind of brilliant to be honest:


"wait, smith said. he had thought of something his advisors hadn't. new york city wasn't hot in april. it wasn't hot in may.....in april and may, [new yorkers] hadn't yet reached the point at which they didn't care at all about the legal technicalities of park acquisition," caro writes. "on june 1, a monday, the first of the inevitable summer heat waves settled over the city like a hot, soggy blanket. by the weekend, temperatures were in the nineties. the city's people fled it. traffic jams on long island were worse than ever. so great was the frustration that when motorists reached a town park in huntington and found police barring the gates, they assaulted the police in such force that more than forty were arrested." (caro 194)


smith goes on to deliver the first speech ever carried on a statewide radio hookup and details his side of the park battle, framing it as a rich barons vs masses of new york and blames the republicans for not wanting allowing parks for their constituents. he ends the speech by saying "let us not permit the impression to go abroad that wealth and the power that wealth can command can palsy the arm of the state" (caro 196)


damn, right?


anyways, that's where I'm leaving it today. my carpal tunnel is flaring up from all that typing. good night. 



Friday, March 3, 2023

how to move the fuck on

......I'm asking, not telling. 


Was looking on facebook today (I fucking hate that place) (it was for work, not my own enjoyment) and came across a message that an almost-friend sent me our freshman year of college. Even though I'm certain that they've long since forgotten about me, I, unfortunately, still think about them and what could've been. I didn't make any friends in college for a variety of reasons both in and out of my control, but they were probably the closest thing I got. I miss hanging out with them and joking around in between classes; they made me feel wanted. Out of all the kids in my program, they were the only one who ever bothered to say hello or goodbye to me, and genuinely? That meant a lot to me. I always prided myself on being hyper-independent and not being lonely ever and not needing people to be happy, but recently I've realized that I actually like being around people a lot. Hanging out with my friends gave me a strange euphoria, but I never really realized that's what it was because it happened so infrequently. And without the practice, I became a socially anxious and inept wreck. God, I was so fucking weird back then.

Anyways I saw the timestamp on the message. Five years ago. A half-decade. Haven't spoken to this person since 2018 and they won't leave my goddamn brain. That's pathetic. Honestly. I need to move the fuck on, but I don't want to because at this point I have all of these made up stories in my head with them and they're fun to indulge in. Emphasis on made up---I'm not fooling myself here. I know they aren't rooted in reality; I know that They aren't the way I remember them and wouldn't act the way I think they would. It's just that life is hard, and I need to escape to a time and person where I was relatively happier. At least, that's how I justify it to myself. 

It's weird fucking behavior, isn't it? Am I the only one who does this? Whispered reddit posts and quora questions will tell me otherwise, I'm sure. I don't like feeling stuck like this; I don't like being left behind in the dust of 2018. I need to move on, but I don't want to because the past is the only thing that keeps me motivated to find out if the future is worthwhile. The promise that maybe, one day, I'll have a friend again and I'll be able to live and breathe. The memories from the past keep me going, and I need a route of escapism; I need to rewrite my history sometimes in my head, alone, in my room to survive. At some point I will grow tired of this scenario and I'll move on to something less stalker-ish. But for now....this is what I've got. 

Thursday, March 2, 2023

helvetica is my favorite font

I just updated the theme for this blog......they haven't changed since the last time I created a blog in 2012. made me nostalgic to look back on but it's also funny. this whole thing of blogging in the year of our lord 2023 is quite funny to me.

in middle school I started a bunch of blogs. I'd keep up with it for a few days max and then forget about it. we'll see how long this one lasts.....I'm not making any promises though. 


a song I wrote is stuck in my head

which is the troubling thing. I haven't been able to record it yet, so I can't share it with anyone or talk about it. it's like a whisper that keeps bouncing around my brain. the best I can do is type out the lyrics I've written:


It's a secret, I lost now I'm lingering

What they do in the dark, my heart quivering

I belong to the start of my witnessing

I half-begged to embark but they won't speak

And they're calling to me like a tethered breeze

I know better than that but I'm weakening

In my shadow stands their exalts

Just come to my room, collect and taunt


I know. Pretty cringe right? I don't really care though. 

It's about the girls who live on my street. I see them a lot when I glance out my window (swear I'm not being creepy) (even though that's exactly what a creep would say). There's this one girl who lives across the street from me....I think she's maybe 13? 14? years old. Every day she dribbles a basketball up and down her driveway and practices shooting hoops. And when I was her age I used to the exact. same. thing. It trips me out so much to see her do that....also makes me quite sad because that time in my life has permanently closed. I had so many hopes and dreams at that age and they all got shut down. Now I'm a *redacted age because the passing of time terrifies me* loser living with my parents still. 

I want more out of life. I didn't mean to make my first blog post so damn depressing, but my reality is a hard one to make light out of. I don't want to get too specific though. Anyways. goodnight y'all. 



I've been cackling like a fucking hyena over this ad I got today on a random fashion blog. I'm ???? who created this? who made this? lmaoooooo