how to move the fuck on

......I'm asking, not telling. 

Was looking on facebook today (I fucking hate that place) (it was for work, not my own enjoyment) and came across a message that an almost-friend sent me our freshman year of college. Even though I'm certain that they've long since forgotten about me, I, unfortunately, still think about them and what could've been. I didn't make any friends in college for a variety of reasons both in and out of my control, but they were probably the closest thing I got. I miss hanging out with them and joking around in between classes; they made me feel wanted. Out of all the kids in my program, they were the only one who ever bothered to say hello or goodbye to me, and genuinely? That meant a lot to me. I always prided myself on being hyper-independent and not being lonely ever and not needing people to be happy, but recently I've realized that I actually like being around people a lot. Hanging out with my friends gave me a strange euphoria, but I never really realized that's what it was because it happened so infrequently. And without the practice, I became a socially anxious and inept wreck. God, I was so fucking weird back then.

Anyways I saw the timestamp on the message. Five years ago. A half-decade. Haven't spoken to this person since 2018 and they won't leave my goddamn brain. That's pathetic. Honestly. I need to move the fuck on, but I don't want to because at this point I have all of these made up stories in my head with them and they're fun to indulge in. Emphasis on made up---I'm not fooling myself here. I know they aren't rooted in reality; I know that They aren't the way I remember them and wouldn't act the way I think they would. It's just that life is hard, and I need to escape to a time and person where I was relatively happier. At least, that's how I justify it to myself. 

It's weird fucking behavior, isn't it? Am I the only one who does this? Whispered reddit posts and quora questions will tell me otherwise, I'm sure. I don't like feeling stuck like this; I don't like being left behind in the dust of 2018. I need to move on, but I don't want to because the past is the only thing that keeps me motivated to find out if the future is worthwhile. The promise that maybe, one day, I'll have a friend again and I'll be able to live and breathe. The memories from the past keep me going, and I need a route of escapism; I need to rewrite my history sometimes in my head, alone, in my room to survive. At some point I will grow tired of this scenario and I'll move on to something less stalker-ish. But for now....this is what I've got.